Online tastemakers and purveyors of decimally precise music reviews and such oft-repeated descriptors as “hermetic, Jandek-like vocals” and “glacial tapestries,” Pitchfork.com has decided to put its discerning ear to work finding a satisfactorily cool song to pump up Rogers Arena whenever the Vancouver Canucks hit the ice.
In no uncertain terms, Pitchfork lays it on the line, explaining exactly what’s at stake.
“Vote to Make Japandroids’ ‘House That Heaven Built’ the Entrance Music for the Vancouver Canucks,” reads the impassioned, Jandek-vocals-like headline. “Or else the NHL team might get saddled with a Nickelback song.”
The article points out that the Canucks are asking fans to vote online for what song should replace U2’s “Where the Streets Have No Name,” which begins with the less-than-intimidating lyrics “I want to run, I want to hide.”
Competition has been as fierce as former Sergio Momesso’s back hair. According to the Canucks website, the contest received 2,853 entrance music suggestions ranging from The Who, Sam Roberts, April Wine and Toby Mac to Queen, The Hives, The Wallflowers and the Cobra Skulls. The list has since been narrowed down to six finalists.
“A Warriors Call” by Danish metal band Volbeat is unequivocally terrible and includes the clichéd opening salvo “Let’s get ready to rumble,” which we’re sure really resonates with the likes of Mason Raymond.
“We Are” by Vancouver’s Static in the Stars is one of three local entries, but this Fox Seeds winner sounds too much like a snowboarding montage for a Shaw Cable-produced outdoor adventure show for our liking.
Although “Stock-Holm” by DJ MEG is fittingly Swedish for the Scandinavian-rich Canucks, the synth-driven tune makes us feel like we’re at a Yaletown nightclub, which is a little too douchey, even by professional hockey player standards.
Bashing Nickelback has now become more tiresome than the band itself, so we’re comfortable admitting that its entry is an undeniable fist-pumper that would do well to raise the Canucks inconsistent mojo levels. But in light of the fairly recent Stanley Cup riot, we’re not sure how wise it would be for the Canucks to adopt a song called “Burn it to the Ground.”
While we are reluctant to blindly embrace anything recommended by Pitchfork (they really steered us wrong on a Nihlilst Spasm Band reissue), we have to say “House that Heaven Built,” by local two-piece Japandroids, rocks hard like a hockey anthem should.
That said, the other contender, and it’s a big one, is “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns ‘N Roses. It’s another excellent song and fine anthem that seems especially built for sports arenas, which could be problematic in that we’re pretty sure there are already dozens of pro sports teams that use “Welcome to the Jungle” to whip their fans into a lather.
So maybe Pitchfork is right to rally the troops around Japandroids’ “House that Heaven Built.” But if that falls through, we’re still holding out for the faint possibility someone at Canucks headquarters will hear our cries and start using the Osmonds’ 1972 equine boogie rock hit “Crazy Horses.” Seriously, that song could make Dale Weise score.
